Deviation Actions
Literature Text
"What for?" Eve asked, her heart already sinking in preparation for the bad news that she knew would come from the sadness in her friend's voice.
"He's dead, Evie, your dad died this morning. Babe, I'm so sorry."
Eve felt like her whole world had just crashed around her, even the water around her seemed to still as she stared into the horizon, tears clouding her vision.
"Evie? Eve, are you ok?" Her worried voice came as if from far away.
Eve sunk to the polished wooden deck of her small sail boat. "I should have been there," her chest grew tight and she struggled to take in a long, ragged breath, "he shouldn't have been alone. I should have been with him."
"Babe, there's nothing you could have done. He wanted you to do this - even if he couldn't be with him."
She couldn't deny that Nona was right -they'd planned the around the world trip ever since she was a little girl, and for her eighteenth birthday, they'd finally saved just enough money to do it. And then her father fell ill, two days before they were due to set sail.
"What am I going to do?" Eve sighed, it was so clear before. Everything they had to do was all planned out, save every penny, buy a boat, then sail around the world. They had to make the trip - it was her mother's dream before she'd died. They were to scatter her remains in the oceans all over the world; the Atlantic, the Pacific, the Indian. Everywhere. All the places she'd always wanted to visit. All the places she'd never see.
"You're going to come home, come to the funeral and then take your dad's ashes along with your mum's and scatter them together. That's what he'd want."
"Thanks Nona, I'll do that. I'll be back as soon as I can."
"I'm here for you babe, you know that. Just don't overdo it out there - be safe. And I'll be waiting for you when you make port."
"Thanks. I'll be back in two days, maybe less if I can. I love you."
"Love you too, babe." Her best friend for the last fifteen years replied. Wrapping her arms tight around her to ward of the chill that crept into the air as the sun began it's descent into the white line where the sky and the ocean met, Eve hung up the phone and climbed down into the small galley. She looked at the photos that lined what little wall space there was - ones of her when she was younger, the only photo ever taken of her and her mother, pictures of her and her dad. Remains of a childhood that she could barely remember.
Eve walked over to the small bedroom and crawled into the bed. She didn't want to deal with this. It was just too much for her to handle. Every memory she had of her and her father together replayed in her mind - taunting her of a future that could never be until she finally cried herself to sleep.
****
Eve woke just as her head banged against the floor, followed closely by the rest of her body. She blinked a few times to clear her groggy vision as she placed her hand against the wall to help balance herself as she tried to climb to her feet. Running up the stairs, she heard the storm outside - it was going to be a long night.
She climbed the ladder, struggling not to fall again as the boat passed a large wave, then pushed the hatch open and crawled onto the deck. Wind howled around her and rain soaked her clothes, sticking them to her body, weighing her down as she struggled to gain control of her boat. Sailing in a storm was dangerous, but she'd do the best she could to make sure that this wasn't the last storm she ever passed through.
Suddenly, the ship struck rocks that she swore hadn't been in her path moments ago. Wood splintered around her and she fell into the water as her ship - the last thing her father would ever buy for her, sank into the black depths of the water. Rain pounded harshly onto her skin as she fought to stay above the water. She spotted a piece of wood that had come from her boat, and she swam towards it, using up the last of her strength. She grabbed a hold of it and hauled herself onto it, before drifting into an exhaustion-fuelled sleep.
"What for?" Eve asked, her heart already sinking in preparation for the bad news that she knew would come from the sadness in her friend's voice.
The description here feels clunky and tells more than it shows. My suggestion would be to maybe reflect some of the sadness in her friend's voice in the opening dialogue, which in context of the dialogue and what happened should be apparent right away. Then you can have Evie's heart sink.
Eve felt like her whole world had just crashed around her, even the water around her seemed to still as she stared into the horizon, tears clouding her vision.
Not sure this splice really works. I notice you make a similar mistake on several lines, but I would recommend using a period instead.
"I should have been there," her chest grew tight and she struggled to take in a long, ragged breath, "he shouldn't have been alone. I should have been with him."
Not sure the way you've formatting the punctuation in the action really works here. Commas really only work if you're got a clear tag defining the speech. Otherwise, you have a few choices on how to handle this. You could use a period for "I should have been there," cut to the action, period, then dialogue. If you didn't want the hard stop, you could consider ellipses or an em-dash to end the first quoted bit, then starting the next, like:
"I should have been there--" Her chest grew tight and she struggled to take in a long, ragged breath. "--He shouldn't have been alone. I should have been with him."
Ellipses would denote more of a trailing off into silence, whereas an em-dash would denote an interruption. It's really your call.
On this line, I would also suggested the more concise "tightened," rather than "grew tight."
Also, when typing an em-dash, I'd personally recommend two hyphen like -- , which is the standard for manuscripts and a bit easier to note.
Overall, I think you'd done a good job of setting up the situation and establishing the conflict. There's a good amount of information in a tight space. I would reconsider inserting all the back story between the dialogue in the first portion. It kinda interrupt the emotional impact of what's happening in the phone call and could plausibly be handled toward the end, when she's looking at the photos.
Otherwise, I feel like what should be a dramatic shipwreck speeds by too quickly, and I never really get a sense of the space. The boat is obviously an important object that can serve as a symbol, but it's hard to feel its value in the approach. More than that, I don't have a good enough sense of where she is to understand why she would hit rocks, nor do I feel the sense of her struggle to get off. The way you've written it, it's like the ship hits rock and sinks. I'm no expert on boats, but I know it takes time for a boat to sink. Try to build this scene up more and involve me more in what's going on. It'll strengthen the story as a whole.
Anyway, hope these comments are helpful, and if you have any questions about something I've said, just let me know!
